Been a while...keep forgetting.

i swear there has to be some ephemeral source to the amount of negativity on this day. it's everywhere, in every single one of us. we breathed it in and growled and huffed it out but that wasnt enough release. for a flash of a second i wished i didn't care, but that's not even fathomable, or "me". i'm at a strange place within myself. i'm selfish as hell, but i literally change based upon loved ones' emotions. i am empathic to the extreme, while shutting myself off to be alone. it's a like a catch-22. my memory fails me too often...my attention; the same. i made $40 in exchange for negative energy...holy shit that's ironic...no, i mean, i got rid of a source of negativity and was rewarded (hah) with $40...i'm tired of court tv and forensic files...i find myself wanting, more and more, to watch things that are mindless and pop-culture related. i'm a jobless mope and i'm in a better place than most people i know. another trait of my selfishness. maybe what i should call it is self-absorbedness. i miss my hair...though it's been 3 months, it doesn't seem to have grown, and looking at the picture to the left of this text box makes me almost shudder in discontent. the other day my head produced a blizzard. i want more and more to be out of here. i have a confession to make that makes me cry just to think about; i grow so weary of my cats, and nobody can stand to be around them and they're overweight and i feel like a horrible mother...i am in love with Chirp and Kiki, they are like my babies. but i need alone time; space. i haven't eaten in 36 hours. i actually slept last night. i get scared when people yell. i want things the way i want them to be, but am conscious and aware of the reality and actually appreciate the actions of going through the motions to learn life's lessons. i dont know why i dont like going to sleep. i love TO sleep, just the idea of stopping an activity or train of thought because this annoyance called sleep wants some alone time...i dunno. i do a lot of things i shouldn't, for no reward/recognition...it's a farse to say wanting recognition and thanks is a sin. but it does make me feel half-hearted. i tear up at random, with no known trigger. the pockets of my day i remember either make my cheek muscles ache from smiling or make me feel uncomfortable within my own skin. this is a part of life, and i'm recording it as an accurate account...