A really shallow post

So I'm going to write about what's bothering me. And that's my weight. This requires a little background. I've had a weight "problem" for the majority of my adult life...well, since I was an adolescent, really. Chunky, chubby, overweight, call it what you want, I'm a big girl. Not fat, but big. I own it, I know it, I accept it. I know I'll never be skinny, thin, trim, what have you, nor do I have unrealistic expectations of becoming really thin or the size of, say, my little sister. That's not to say I don't believe I could be at a healthier weight. But I don't personally feel I'd look right as a "small" girl...I've got a bigger frame. I'm curvaceous, I like that about myself. But I don't like being OVERLY so. For the past 9 years or so, I've gone through a pattern of putting on and losing weight in a somewhat regular cycle...not in a way that you could fit to certain dates or times of year so much, but time periods come when I gain weight and then I'll go through periods of time when I rapidly lose weight. The weight loss tends to be rather rapid, too...the weight gain isn't ever as quick, though...it sneaks up on me and then one day I realize, hey, my favourite jeans are giving me major muffin tops now!!!

About this time, one year ago, I was weighing in at a hefty weight and realized I'd packed on almost 70lbs due mostly to a medication combo I'd been taking to help with insomnia and depression. After stopping use of one of those medications and starting on a new use-as-needed medicine for my IBS (a miracle drug for me), I DROPPED a bunch of weight in just a couple months. Probably about 30lbs. I continued to lose weight through the summer and into the fall months. This had me feeling pretty damn good about myself. I was wearing a size 12, down from a 16, fitting into my designer jeans again, able to shop at the stores my friends shopped at, etc. But more importantly, I had gained a whole lot of confidence and was going out a lot more. Around late November, I picked up a boyfriend and things were going well for several months there...so well that I apparently let things slide somewhere and packed on a few pounds...okay, more than a few. I don't know how many, since I don't own a scale and I didn't go to a doctor in between months to be weighed, etc. Toward the end of February, however, I realized the old jeans weren't fitting so well anymore. Jeans I'd purchased around Christmas were no longer fitting. Hell, some were even ripping when I put them on. This is a true story, folks! This happened with more than one pair of jeans. After the first pair, and me breaking out into tears, I started talking to my shrink about it.

My weight was consuming my thoughts. I'd say 70% of my day, I was thinking about my weight. I don't exercise enough, I know that. I don't eat like a porker, though. At all, really. I think I already knew the problem, but I hated then and still hate a little, admitting one of the probable problems. I don't eat enough. Say what? You're gaining weight because you DON'T eat enough? Well, probably not in the beginning. I was eating more junk when the boyfriend and I got together, but as I became more consumed with my weight (no pun intended), I started to eat less and less, going back into my old patterns. I was previously diagnosed with stress-induced anorexia. This actually has NOTHING to do with wanting to lose weight, but is caused by too much stress making the desire to eat just, well, not HAPPEN. That wasn't so much happening, but I was getting lazier and more pissed off about being overweight that I found myself skipping meals or eating way too light. When you don't eat enough, your body is NOT happy with you. Essentially, what happens is, it makes anything you DO eat, into fat. I realized that I don't eat nearly enough calories in a day...I don't know how people do it...in a healthy way. It's actually kind of difficult to do...to make myself eat three meals a day.

I went grocery shopping for the first time in like a month, about a week ago...and I've actually been cooking. Cooking helps a lot...I find that, making my own meals, makes a big difference. So does eating breakfast. Lunch is still a tough one, since there's not much to eat at my place of work (Mom & Dad's house)...not that it's their job to feed me, I don't live there anymore and they're hardly ever there themselves!

Another thing has recently come to light: my thyroid levels are WAY out of whack. I've been on synthroid for over a year to treat my hypothyroidism (they suspect it may be Hashimoto's Disease) but after having my TSH levels tested recently, we found that I was 4 TIMES out of the normal range, which means my thyroid glands are working overtime trying to produce the hormones I need, even with the medication. SO, I made an appointment last week and saw my doctor to discuss the situation. We doubled my Synthroid dosage and I'll see how it works out. I go back in a month for a check up. This should help me to lose some weight.

My doctor informed me that I've lost 22lbs since this time last year, so I'm still in the negative since this time last year, which is good. Now I just need to keep myself on track and keep up the good work, which I'm just starting to do. Wish me luck, please!